How Much This Hurts
by Rysler
Summary: SamJanet. Sam's been a little crazy lately, and Janet's not taking it too well. "Ascension" missing scenes.


Author: Rysler   
Date: 06/25/04  
Pairing: Sam/Janet (early relationship)  
Rating: PG (some kissing)  
Category: Episode Missing Scene, Drama with bits of inappropriate humor (Jack wanted to be in it)  
Spoilers: Ascension, The Fifth Man  
Archive: Uh, if you want.  
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to MGM. I just have the calendar. And a poster.  
Website: Written for the spooged1yahoo.com Ascension Challenge.  
Summary: Sam's been a little crazy lately, and Janet's not taking it too well.

* * *

Despite Janet's initial diagnosis, when Sam returned from P4X-636, she looked more worried than tired about her mishap. The perception she was weak was about the most damaging thing that people could see in her. She'd tried too hard to be the smart one, the tough one. She'd tried too hard to make herself valuable to crack now. Janet understood all this, and spoke to her patient as kindly as possible. "Well, people have been known to black out from fatigue." 

"Come on, Janet. I was a little tired, but..." Sam scoffed. 

Janet pressed the issue. "Your pre-mission blood test did show slight anemia." 

"But you gave me clearance to go," Sam countered. 

Janet inhaled. This wasn't going to go over too well. "And I'm starting to question that judgment." 

Despite Janet's attempt to be non-threatening, Sam immediately took the defensive. "There is nothing wrong with me." 

Janet tried again. "Okay. At least consider what you've been through these last few years. You've had a Tok'ra symbiote die in your brain, your memory has been stamped, and then your entire consciousness has been transferred into a computer, then back again, and that is just for starters. Eventually it has to take its toll." 

Sam wasn't in the least bit consoled. "Are we done?" 

"Yes." Janet rolled her eyes. "Be sure you come back if you start speaking an alien language." 

"I'm sure I'll have no choice." Sam escaped from the infirmary. 

Janet watched her go, her face furrowed in consternation. What had just happened? She wasn't sure if Sam's attitude was personal or professional. The scientist was usually one of her more agreeable patients, but that conversation had been less than playful on Sam's part. 

She couldn't help but take Sam's glibness personally. Had a few kisses undone five years of a solid working relationship? On their last date, four days ago, Janet had mentioned this very subject. Sam had firmly set down rules. Work on-base. Play off-base. No overlap. This solution had seemed logical in the moment. 

Which one of them was having trouble following the rules? Maybe Sam was just tired. Janet should give her the space she needed and get back to work. She definitely needed to stop thinking about kissing the tall scientist. This dating thing was making her a little crazy. So if Sam seemed crazy, too, Janet was probably just projecting. 

Sam could pinpoint the exact moment everything had changed. She and Janet had gone on one of their irregular girls nights out. For several years, Cassandra had come along, but now that she was old enough and earthly enough to stay by herself, she'd remained at home. 

They never went to the movies, because their beepers would invariably go off and prevent them from seeing the ending, not to mention pissing off all the other patrons as they scrambled through narrow rows to the exit. Sometimes there would be DVDs and pizza the Fraisers, but as this included Cassandra and often the guys as well, the unspoken preference was to go out. 

Each time they tried a new dive. The rule was never to go to the same restaurant twice. Luckily, their time together was minimal, and Colorado Springs was a popular tourist destination. Sam was en route to drop Janet off at the Fraisers after a particularly good, but incredibly messy, meal at a wings joint. Sam rather regretted that they couldn't go again, although she suspected Janet didn't feel the same way. 

Sam parked at the curb, leaned back, closed her eyes, and let out a contented sigh. "Meat," she grunted. 

Janet's soft chuckle tickled her ears, followed by the sound of the seatbelt unsnapping. Then Sam felt Janet's hand brush her face. She opened her eyes and looked over at the dark-haired woman. 

"You have buffalo sauce..." Janet explained, and rubbed Sam's cheek more firmly, scratching her nail against the offending orange spot until it peeled off, careful not to claw Sam's skin. 

"Mm," Sam said appreciatively. "Love those surgeon's hands." 

Janet glanced down at her long fingers and blushed. She opened the passenger side door, and then leaned toward Sam. They intended to kiss each other's cheeks, as they did at the end of every outing, because hugging was too difficult in a car and handshakes always lead to giggling. Only this time, someone missed. 

Sam's lips brushed the corner of Janet's mouth. She felt Janet grin and then draw back. Sam held her breath. 

"Don't forget the pre-mission physical at 0500," the doctor chirped, darting from the car. 

So much for the moment. 

The next time they went out, they accidentally kissed on purpose. The third time, they just kissed. 

Now, Sam, apparently nuts, was creating token heterosexual love interests out of figments of her imagination. A man had appeared at Sam's house when she was supposed to be taking time off to clear her head. A man who could walk through tables. Janet had learned more than she wanted to know about Sam's new personal life at a private briefing with Colonel O'Neill, General Hammond, and herself. The mysterious alien had said he loved her? What was that about? Janet had managed, through gritted teeth, to keep Carter grounded until this whole imaginary friend thing could be fixed. 

Several days later, Sam wasn't sure if things were getting better or worse. She extracted O'Neill's support, but he still seemed to question her sanity. 

"Why are you hanging out with that mysterious incorporeal guy anyway? I thought you and Janet had a thing." O'Neill squinted at Carter. 

"Sir!" She protested. "I'm not--" 

"Gay?" He raised an eyebrow. "Oh yes you are, Carter. You are so gay. And crazy." He fluttered his hands. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta pee." He darted into the men's room. 

Sir!" 

Sam stomped into the infirmary. "Men!" She announced. 

This reassured Janet. She'd been more nervous than she would ever admit about Sam's new "friend." Janet pursed her lips. "Everything all right?" 

Sam settled into the office chair next to Janet's and squinted at the yellow and blue test tubes on the desk. "What is that stuff?" 

Janet shrugged. "Stale urine." 

"Sorry I asked." Sam shook her head. "I found a camera in my house. Someone's spying on me. The SGC. I feel perfectly normal, but does it matter if I'm sane if everything else is crazy?" She asked. 

"That reminds me..." Janet reached behind her for a manila envelope. 

Sam followed her movement and read her own name on the label of the file. "Is that my psych eval?" 

"Yep." Janet evaded Sam's reaching fingers and opened the file. "Came back clean. You are perfectly in your right mind, as far as we can tell." 

"Well, duh." Sam said, relieved. Then she squinted. "When did you get the results?" She seemed suddenly breathless. 

"A couple of hours ago." 

"And you didn't call me? Jesus, Janet, I've been pulling out my hair with worry." 

"I'm sorry, Sam, I--" 

"You still think I'm crazy, don't you?" Sam panted. "Despite the tests. You want to keep me under observation. All of you. Colonel O'Neill, and Daniel, and--" She stood up, and began pacing. 

"Sam, sit down, you're hyperventilating." Janet's tone was firm, she was fully in doctor mode. Otherwise she'd have said, "You're being paranoid," and that would have been a huge mistake. As it was, something in her voice set Sam off, she could see the rage build inside the woman. 

"I am not hyperventilating," Sam gasped. "I am not crazy!" 

"Sam." Janet stood up, taking a step back, giving Sam her space. "Calm down." 

"None of you trust me. Well, you should. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I'll bring back proof." She stormed toward the corridor, pausing in the entrance to turn and glower at Janet. "You should know better." 

"You're late," Orlin pronounced when Sam finally got home, after working on the alien weapon for several hours. She intended to be invaluable to the SGC, whether they liked it or not. 

"What do you mean?" Sam squinted at Orlin. She'd never come home to anyone before. Were there rules? 

"You said you'd be home an hour ago. I was worried." 

Sam suddenly got the picture. "Hey, this is not a relationship we have going here. I don't even know what it is." 

"You still could have called," Orlin pouted. 

"Look," she sighed. "I'm involved with someone." 

"I know," he said meekly. "I felt it. But that doesn't stop me from loving you." 

She winced, and decided to change the subject. "You couldn't even answer the phone if I did call." 

"Maybe I could have." 

Her eyes widened. 

Colonel Simmons had come down from Washington to supervise the progress of the new weapon. This discovery had the potential to be the most significant in recent history, and might finally justify the Stargate mission. If only the top scientist could get with the program. He'd read she was a rebel, but he hadn't been prepared for the extent of her eccentricity. 

He let out a long-suffering sigh. "She's the reason we don't want the gays in the military. Crazy." 

"So crazy." O'Neill nodded sympathetically. 

"Smart though," Hammond interjected. 

Simmons looked thoughtful. "Way too smart for her own good." She had set up the naquada reactor. He couldn't very well stand in the way of performance like that. But he'd be watching her. 

With the NID involved, everything had gone horribly wrong. Sam'd managed to keep the weapon from going off, and managed, possibly, to keep from being court-martialed, but Orlin had died in her arms, and she walked through the ruined planet alone for hours before making her way back to the base. And Janet. 

"Sam!" Janet cried, as Carter walked into the infirmary, holding her hands slightly away from her body. They were covered in blood. "I'm okay," Sam reassured her quietly. "It's Orlin's blood." 

"Oh, Sam," Janet breathed, and sat the woman on a bed. She went to gather a clean cloth and antiseptic. "Is he--" 

"No." Sam shook her head. "He...ascended. Like Oma Desala." 

"Wow." Janet took one of Sam's hands in hers, and began to wipe away the blood. "Sam..." Janet inhaled. She had to try and repair this rift between them. "I'm so sorry I didn't believe you." When she felt Sam squeeze her hand, she closed her eyes. 

"It's okay," Sam whispered. "I kind of got caught up in everything. I didn't behave... in a very adult fashion." 

Janet opened her eyes, and saw Sam watching her, half-smiling. She leaned toward the scientist. Sam didn't pull away. Janet closed the distance between them and brushed her mouth against Sam's. The kiss was brief, but when Janet pulled back she saw tension ebb from Sam's features. Sam, in fact, looked resigned, and Janet was about to inquire as to what that meant when Sam spoke. 

"The whole base knows about Orlin." 

Janet nodded. 

"The whole base knows I'm gay." 

"Yup." Janet ran her thumb over Sam's fingers. 

"The whole base thinks I'm crazy." 

Janet smiled. "Mostly." 

"And you still wanna do this?" 

Janet nodded. Sam leaned in and kissed her again. Their lips lingered, until Sam pulled back, and purred. 

Janet cleared her throat. "I think I understand about Orlin. Why you'll miss him. It's okay." She watched Sam's face. Would she open up, or would she retreat back into isolation again? 

Sam bit her lip. "You do?" 

"Sam, you're always the one who relates to advanced aliens. You're so brilliant that I know you need someone on your level, sometimes, and that won't come from Earth. It's not a coincidence that aliens seek you out." 

Sam's expression was unreadable. 

"They're not settling, Sam. You're worth getting to know." 

Sam inhaled. "He said things, Janet..." 

"Like what?" 

"He said I was a good person, that my heart was pure, that on the inside your spirit is as beautiful as I am on the outside." 

Janet just barely managed to choke down her jealousy. "Those things are true, Sam. What's wrong with that?" 

"They're my secrets," Sam whispered. "Only you should know them. Only you should say them. When he said them... I felt dirty. Like I was betraying you." Sam rested her chin on Janet's head, and sighed. "All these aliens think they're so smart... with their mind-melding and emotion-recorders and all, but they don't have your eyes. They'll never come close to you." 

Janet could barely breathe. She pulled back, reaching up to cup Sam's face. "You're not crazy," she whispered. "I'll never doubt you again." 

Nine days later, when Sam returned from a hostile mission ranting about a Lieutenant Tyler, Janet kept her word, believed her friend, and found the proof.

* * *


End file.
